This last couple of weeks have been just terrible for me – and one day maybe I will publish a post to talk about my experiences, because situations such as I have been through are good for reflecting and learning, but for now I will move on.
One great thing that has happened in the last week though is that one of my oldest and dearest friends has come back to NZ (temporarily for now). It was so great to have her in NZ and she stayed with me, and we played board games and just laughed. Laughed like we used to laugh at school. There is no one else in my life that makes me laugh like Delwyn does. Of course there are other people who make me laugh, but with Delwyn it is this huge belly laugh that actually aches, and makes you lose your breathe, and God! I so needed to laugh like that. Laughter, of course, being cathartic. One thing I found though is with so much pain in the last couple of weeks, this laughter, while it was cathartic and renewing in some ways, hurt my soul, it was like sobbing. I can’t even explain it. I think that anyone who has experienced the sorrow I am talking about will understand. And I thought ‘this is never going to feel ok, I am never going to be completely ok.’ But then maybe all I need is more time.
Anyway, Delwyn had her 30th birthday party early, and her partner had his 40th birthday party late so they could celebrate together. They booked out the Mount Holdsworth Lodge in the Masterton Region, and we all went up and stayed. It was supposed to be for the whole long labour weekend, but for me and my little family we just stayed the one night. And it was beautiful! Not only did I spend some time with Delwyn and my family, but I got to see Delwyn marry the man she loves. It was very beautiful, and actually a huge surprise! Especially from someone who always said she would never marry. And it was amazing to see her marry her man in her way, and in the way that completely goes against tradition. I’m not even sure it is a legal marriage, but for them it is as married as me and my husband (who did a very traditional wedding). And I thought, WOW! This is so inspiring. Delwyn has never wanted to marry, but she wants to commit herself to this man, she wants to proclaim her love for this man out loud, and join their souls together with this proclamation. And I thought YES! This is how life should be lived. Not following conventions, but doing life the way that makes you happy. And being free. Free in everything you do, and everything you choose.
My original train of thought (and sorry, I’m a bit scatter-brained right now) was that Mount Holdsworth, MAN!, if you haven’t been there you need to get yourself there ASAP. It is the most serene, beautiful, and soul replenishing place. I really wish that my family could have stayed there, or been there for longer with just myself, my husband, Gracie, Delwyn, and Craig (her husband). I wish I could have spent more time exploring the tracks and the forest, and the hillside. It really wasn’t long enough, but (being it is only around and hour from Wellington) I have promised myself, and my family that we will go back and stay for longer, and hopefully swim in the river!
Everything that has happened in the last couple of weeks, as well as the books I have read in the last fortnight, have my so frustrated and antsy. I just feel that I want to shake up my life, I feel like I’m wanting to select the parts of my life that are important to me, and just focus in. I want to streamline my life and follow my heart. It has been way too long, and there is so much uncertainty in life to do anything other than exactly what you want to do. I would definitely say that right now my attitude is terrible, and my mind is open. I’m not sure if that is a good thing, or a good combination. But that’s how I feel. And then I slip back into my life and realise, I’m never going to shake up my life. I’m always going to do just the thing that I have been trained to do, all my life, which is exactly what is “safe” (or not so safe, as I am inclined now to think). And I would hope, that if I can teach Grace one thing in life, it is to follow her heart, to take the risks, and do them with everything she has. Because when you take the conventional option, it is actually really hard, in so many ways, financially, physically, mentally. And there really seems to be almost no way out, or the way out is so much harder the further into “safety” you go. So that is where my brain is at, and what I am thinking at the moment.
Also I would like to just mention that I’m so close to being at the end of my Marketing paper, the first in a long line. I have just finished the last chapter of the textbook and am working towards the final written exam on Tuesday. Wish me luck. And I would like to say that even in the worst of times, literally during the middle of the worst time in my life ever so far, I have sat and successfully (with a good grade) managed to complete an online exam. So for me, I just think if I can do that, then I can do anything, my mind is stronger than what is thrown my way. Which annoys me! Because I would love to just crumple up into a big heap and hide from the world, or throw a huge tantrum and just do what suits me. But if I can get through this and still focus on moving forward, then I know that once the grief passes, I will still be moving forward, and this won’t have set me back in my goals.